Woody Allen's Best films

Woody Allen recently announced his six favorites among his films. They were Zelig, Purple Rose of Cairo, Husbands and Wives, Bullets over Broadway, Matchpoint and Vicky Christina Barcelona. 

People went off on his choices, but its not a bad list. Reading interviews through his career Zelig is one of the few movies he consistently says nice things about (he never praises anything), Husbands and Wives is pretty vintage Woody and the rest were all nominated for Oscars. 

Having said that here are the Real top five:

5. Sweet and Lowdown: Sean Penn and Samantha Morton are amazing in this. Their last scene together where she 'tells' him she's married is one of the most heartbreaking scenes in film. 

4. Stardust Memories: I can see why people rejected this movie when it came out, but now it's like watching a Soderbergh-esque comedic dissection of woody allen's career that just happened to come out in the early 80's.

3. Bullets Over Broadway: "The world will open to you like an oyster. No... not like an oyster. The world will open to you like a magnificent vagina." Line for line this is his most quotable work. 

2. Bananas: There's too much awesome here to mention but this is what the aliens in Stardust Memories meant when they talk about his 'early funny ones.'

1. Annie Hall: This is the obvious choice but there's a reason for it. The offbeat structure, the downbeat ending, the fucking lobsters. It's a perfect movie. 

why Jonah Hex sucking sucks

Fun slasher films dominated the b-movie scape throughout the 70s and 80s. But like most things profitable they were run into the ground. 

People forget that there were zero mainstream slasher films in the nineties until Scream (1996) revitalized the genre. Without that film we wouldn't have the constant barrage of horror films we see today.

In exactly the same way, b-westerns were the shit during the 60's and 70's. From Sergio Leone to the Django films, Sartana, Death Rides a Horse to Johnny Yuma this genre is lost art. It gave weird looking actors leading roles and violent filmmakers a chance to run wild. Who wouldn't want to see a movie called The Ugly Ones, or They call me Hallelujah or Heads You Die ... Tails I kill You! 

In a time before indie-filmaking, b-westerns were the first true indie movies. You could make profit on weird flicks with off-kilter sensibilities. And we need that to come back. Jonah Hex could have heralded a return to the days of fun b-westerns but instead it was a colossal failure.

It's a shame. 

A horse with a gatling gun on it? Badass.

John Malkovich blows up pioneers while sipping absinthe? Badass. 

Weird-ass western about a guy with a fucked up face fucking up people who fucked up his family with an 80 million dollar budget?  Badass.

Jonah Hex? Ass Bad. 

I heard equally bad things about Wild Wild West eleven years ago. I ignored them all. And had to see for myself. Josh Brolin is cool and Megan Fox is hot but you could say the same about Will Smith and Salma Hayek in 1999.

I love b-westerns. I love steam-punk.  There's a movie to be made here.  Why does Wild Wild Jonah West Hex have to suck so incredibly bad?

The great tragedy is we may never have a modern day Lee Van Cleef (sorry michael madsen and / or bronson pinchot).

gore(verbinski)-fest

The makers of Rango released their first non-inexplicable-mechanical-fish related teaser today and its pretty good. Cool look, Cool music and a gag where a hawk with a can on its face slowly turns its head. What more could you want from an animated flick? 

In honor of this, how about a rundown of director gore verbinski's filmography: 

MouseHunt (B): Underrated comedy, where two guys hunt down an animal and Christopher Walken has a great cameo (this could also be a word-for-word summary of kangaroo jack except substitute 'underrated' with 'shit-fest' and 'has a great cameo' with 'cashes a check while I watch.')

The Mexican (?): If brad pitt and julia roberts shit in the woods and no one remembers, did it really happen?  Are there still DVDs of this out there? Do people own them? 

The Ring (B-): Haven't seen this since theaters but as I recall all Naomi Watts has to do is not fall down a well. Cue a giant television which hits her in the face, knocking her into the well. It was one of the funniest things i've ever seen. Also without this we wouldn't have classics like Shutter and One Missed Call.   So screw The Ring for ending Shannon Sossamon's career. 

The Weather Man (C): All I remember about this movie is Nicolas Cage getting hit with milkshakes and Michael Caine saying 'Camel Toe.' In retrospect maybe i'd like it more now. 

Pirates of the Caribbean: the curse of the black pearl (B+): People remember this one fondly b/c of the surprise of Jack Sparrow. But...

Dead Man's Chest (A-): All the other characters were really boring. Dead Man's Chest takes those boring characters and gives them all extremely cool things to do. Sure its bloated and amped up to eleven but its also a shit-ton of fun. I will never understand the nerd-hate for this movie, except that it lead to --

At World's End (C-): If any movie could be immediately remade i would vote for this one. First of all it doesn't jump off from DMC instead it actually wastes time with more exposition, making the second film (which i love) pointless. Second it figures bigger is always better. Spectacle for spectacle's sake is boring. I never thought i'd live to see a movie where a pirate swordfights a squid-man on the top of a ship as it spins around a whirlpool ... and I'm           BORED shit-less. Literally i was so bored my shit didn't want to come out b/c then it too would have to watch the movie.

But anyway, Rango looks good. Enjoy the owl mariachi band  and hyper-quick hunter s. thompson  cameo.